The Guide to Girl Code

Because some people still don’t get it.

Let’s be real: navigating female friendships can sometimes feel like trying to diffuse a bomb with a blindfold on. Roxane Gay’s acclaimed collection of essays, Bad Feminist (2014), includes a chapter called “How to Be Friends with Another Woman,” where she lays out the 'dos' and 'don'ts' of these relationships. In section 5C, she stresses the importance of not tearing down other women, urging us to know the difference between constructive criticism and outright cruelty. In a perfect world, we’d all be frolicking in sisterhood, but let’s face it—some women still surprisingly, struggle to grasp the Girl Code. So, for those who secretly break it—this one's for you.

Rule number 1: There is no such thing as blind loyalty.

Living in a world with an incredibly obvious sense of gender inequality only renders women one form of foolproof support- other women. It is better to believe other women than to question them simply because you feel the need to play devil’s advocate. If you find yourself doubting your friends’ words, pull them aside and have a one-on-one with them. Understand that it is good to hold your friends accountable, but to do so in private whilst defending them in public. After all, there is nothing worse than a woman who chooses to believe a man or another woman over their own friend, regardless of circumstance, well- unless she committed a first-degree felony. There is always a reasonable explanation if you try hard enough, so try harder.

Rule number 2: Bluntness is not your best friend, she is.

Honesty is not always the best policy. Harsh words, I know. I don’t mean to say this in the sense that you should tell your friend that you love how the colour orange looks on her (when you really do not), but to be gentle when you do it. Have tact and grace when telling your friends the truth about how you feel when they’ve done something wrong, or when that skirt is indeed, not flattering on them. Think of it as gentle-parenting, you would rather have a conflict or mistake explained to you in order to understand why someone else is so incensed by it than be yelled at and left to stew, right? Take them aside and be nice enough to not sound judgemental, but firm enough to set a boundary. We are all adults here.

Rule number 3: Was that funny, or just mean?

Now this is a mistake I’m guilty of making. Running jokes in friend groups often come at the expense of other people, they can actually be hilarious if done in moderation but most of the time they really aren’t. Sometimes, we are privy to the harrowing details of another woman’s private life, their mistakes and the bad experiences or backlash they have been brave enough to voice out. This can sometimes lead to jokes made at her expense, which can give an incredibly sexist undertone, especially if similar ones are not made about another man for example. The best thing to do in these situations when knowing your other girlfriends may not like this woman is to self-reflect on whether it is actually comedic or simply just insulting. Criticism is not always warranted if you are self-aware enough to know that you can approach detangling such incidents with empathy instead. Choose to be the bigger person, as hard as it can be, because a clear conscience is far more crucial than a few good laughs over something nasty being said. Was that actually hilarious, or did that sound incredibly bitchy from a third person perspective?

            *Image from the 2004 movie promotion of  Mean Girls*

Rule number 4: We are all sinners

It is not enough to sometimes say that, “Boys will be boys”, because that means there is a double standard for morality being set- not just in the sense that boys can get away with most things due to common knowledge that they might be inherently rowdy or boisterous, but because girls will by default be set to a higher standard. Try to catch yourself if you’re blaming another woman for something you might let a man get away with, simply because you don’t hold them to the same level of accountability. More often than not, it takes two hands to clap, you’re enabling this behaviour if you acknowledge that it is bad only on one end. Is this behaviour really ‘expected’ of a man but absolutely abhorrent when it comes from a woman? That doubles as unnecessary misandry, just so you know.

And lastly, but definitely not the least, Rule number 5: Your girlfriend’s boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/partner/situationship/”It’s complicated” person is not your friend.

This one is possibly the most controversial rule. A few days ago, a girlfriend of mine asked me, “Babe, is it weird if I ask my boyfriend to hang out with us?”

“Sure, but as long as you two are dating, he isn’t a part of our friend group. He can hang out with us once in a while, though.”, I replied.

Stunned, she asked me why I had that view.

“If things don’t work out- touch wood- I would obviously stand with you out of loyalty, but if things get ugly, we don’t know who else will.”, I said and then proceeded to pat her on the back and awkwardly leave the room.

It’s true, though! You would think there is an unspoken agreement that boundaries should not be crossed. That if you knew her first, she comes first. Unfortunately, this is not always the case for some women, and if you are one of them, clock yourself right now. If you’ve been reading thus far, combine every single rule on loyalty, honesty, grace and accountability and understand that in some cases, it is better to keep that distance between your friend’s partner and you. There are some exceptions to this: If you knew him at the same level of closeness before you met your friend and/or if he’s related to you. In that case you don’t really have much of a choice but to be a neutral party. Otherwise, things can get complicated because realistically, some relationships are not always meant to work out, and if they don’t you don’t want to be caught in a crossfire of finger-pointing and backstabbing. Simply, understand that friendship comes before any relationship so long as it provides fulfilment and a sense of girlhood. Keep it simple, a hi-bye with him, or if it’s in a group setting, be casual and friendly, but not friendly enough to have him at the same level of friendship as your girlfriend.

And most importantly, if things end between them, please take it as whatever bond you may have developed with him as having been dissolved, or at least, extremely diluted.

There we have it, a condensed guide to the Girl Code. Female friendships are a foundational aspect in the experience of girlhood, and missing out on them is a loss one should never have to take. It costs nothing to be nice, and it’s even more freeing most of the time to be the bigger person. Remember that not just women, but humans in general are made up of some of the most complex and unique behaviours- you just have to bear that in mind in situations where you don’t want to lose your friends. You can do this girlfriend!