Almost everything I know about friendships and why it takes a village

Nearly everything I know about friendships and why it takes a village

A love letter to my coven and a consolation for those who need it

In Punjabi, there is a concept that is hard to explain in English, but I’ll try anyways– Sangat (pronounced sung-guh-th, not to be confused by the Malay adverb, ‘Very’)- which means community but also congregation, and in a spiritual way, a group that prays together, creating a sort of divine bondedness within itself. There is also a saying that goes, “Jaisi sangat, vaisi rangat”, which loosely translates to; you are the company that you keep. I’d often heard this tossed around during mother tongue lessons but its meaning never exactly stuck as well as it should have, until I entered university.

My Sangat is one that has evolved over a span of many years. Either way, I know that it takes a community to hold you up and to make you who you are. I am so incredibly privileged to have people who have seen every version of me for so many years, and have unconditionally loved me throughout all of it. This is my Sangat, the ones I’ve had since day one, the ones I lost along the way and the ones who have joined the ride. This is everything I’ve learnt about friendships and why we all need a Sangat of our own.

My day ones

In the months where I struggled to comprehend that there was more than one outlet of feeling better about myself than considering giving up, one of the best older brother figures I could have asked for presented himself the way he usually did from the time I met him at 16: flustered and with a defensive stance toward me. Aaban has had my back for nearly 5 years and I’m convinced that in a past life, he was my knight in shining armour. My biggest takeaway from him is that a friendship can stand on subjectivity in all ways– morals, faith and interests can differ, but love and respect supersede it all ultimately. He brought me new ideas, experiences and perspectives that I didn’t think I would have had the ability to comprehend otherwise, and as such, he has made me smarter and kinder as a person.

Our shared best friend Leanndra is a girl who encompasses grace in ways I never thought I could reach. She is a prime example of a person I seek to be when I want to choose being proud over being kind. Her sense of humour hasn’t always been the easiest to understand, but she makes me laugh harder than most people I know, anyways. The two of them stood by me in the dog days of Junior College, and forced me to get through A-levels with snack packs of popcorn chicken and a listening ear at all times.

There is nothing more true than the concept of forgiveness being the sole driver of a successful relationship. This is a virtue I learnt from my platonic soulmate, Hriya, alias: Bird. In the 8 years she and I have had together, I spent the duration of each one hoping for more. Bird and I have had stupid arguments admittedly– but we both know that it is easier and always more worth it to find our way back home. Bird taught me the importance of actually speaking aloud what I feel when I feel it, and as a result, I have never been able to keep a secret from her. This is an infuriating incompetence to have when I’m trying to hide what I got for her birthday but a necessary one in situations where she needs to have my back. She has also given me a family to call my own, to the point where the last 8 years have been an incessant series of questions from her relatives like, “Where is Sam?” at every family event. In an attempt to remain the cooler half of this pair, I have also avoided telling her that I pray for her happiness and health in moments where I am willing to forsake my own, and that in a past life, we were avians together.

Our shared best friend Gia (since I have had SUCH good experiences in trios) is incapable of hurting a fly but truly the best embodiment of a Libra I have seen. Her ability to empathise in any scenario has made her one of the most intelligent people I have met, and I am always in awe of how she sees both sides of the coin at all times. Being friends with someone so wholesome and beautiful, in and out, has made me privy to the fact that I really should be more conscious and loving to everyone, regardless of who they are and what they stand for. I hope she realises how much she has coloured my view of the world and how deep of an impact she has had on me as a friend who is simply just willing to listen.

The ones who joined the ride

I am the youngest in my family, but being around Arif and Kyra has made me aware of the middle child experience. I get the weirdest looks in public when I’m with the two of them because of how loud and crude we are with one another, almost as weird as the looks I get when I tell people that the two of them literally took me in.

In the midst of my sophomore slump, amongst my 7th breakdown of the day, I remember asking for a win from the universe, anything really, as long as whatever I was going through didn’t seem so incredibly overwhelming anymore. That week, I got to properly meet Kyra for the first time. I will always think she was sent to me for reasons I can’t comprehend. I know for sure though, that she saved me in ways she might not understand either. None of her friends tell her this enough, but she is actually the coolest person I know. Kyra has this ability to intuitively pick up on things like they’re a second nature to her; foosball, a fifth instrument, and knowing whenever I was entering a depressive spiral. My favourite trait of hers is how incredibly bubbly she is— she is the type of girl you meet who makes you forget you had a bad day.

Naturally, with her also came Arif. He struck me as the most aloof, hyperactive man I had ever met and within our first few interactions he took to affectionately telling me in the rudest way possible that I had bad fashion choices. Arif stood by me as a physical affirmation— he stared back when I got stared at, and took my hand when I stood frozen in fear. His role in our group has always been the bully, but he would never tolerate it for a second if someone else had the audacity to treat us even slightly terribly. The thing I adore the most about him is his mind. I have never met someone whose thinking process is so closely aligned with mine (bouts of overthinking, philosophical pondering over different versions of who we used to be, and panicked episodes of us finishing assignments together), and each time I have the privilege of a heart-to-heart with him, I thank whatever karmic/fateful forces aligned to let us meet.

The ones I have lost

In another life, the three of us are squished together under the same blanket in one of our rooms laughing at an Instagram reel that we’ll greet each other with for the next 2 weeks. In this one, we haven’t spoken in 7 months. My biggest regret out of this lost friendship is that none of us will ever see eye to eye about how we fell out. If ego is the death of joy, then anger as a chaser to miscommunication is the killer in a horror movie that everyone says they would definitely avoid. Consequently, I fear there will never be a resolution to this. For all of my ‘wrongdoings’ I will fire back 3 of theirs each to highlight how hypocrisy lives in them, and for all of their hatred, they will continue to enforce a boundary against me that I have never fought.  Ironically, I truly have never hated them. Losing friends that you considered to be siblings is a spot between a rock and a hard place. You’re either so immensely hurt by their actions that you think, “you should have never done that to me” or so immensely confused that you’re unsure if you even knew them that well in the first place. I’m sure this is a sentiment that goes both ways— “Sam, it’s like we don’t know you, you’ve faked who you are to us for months” and “Guys, maybe you really don’t since you think I’m capable of going this far.”

Philosophically, the lesson of two truths existing at once is something no one ever wants to accept, not in arguments where you know you have to be right, right? But who wins in these cases? Truthfully, no one does. “I dodged a bullet”, we all say in unison, but really, we’ve just lost people we wanted to live a life with due to mutual stupidity.

To all other readers, friendship fallouts are usually negotiable and can be navigated as long as your ego takes a step back. Nothing is unconquerable if you know the other person well enough and if they have been yours to keep. Gracefully accept and if you must, gracefully speak to express. Don’t do what we did, and choose the easier option of turning away. I know that is something I remorsefully revisit from time to time– I’d often wish I fought harder. Yet, that too is but a display of ego.

If you–yes*, you* are reading this, stop laughing at how I’ve caved into writing this for you, and quit keeping tabs on me. Second of all, you are more than capable of thinking for yourself, and yet in this situation you have yet to prove that you are. That is largely my bone to pick with you.

To people with friends and to those without

Nothing is ever guaranteed. Sangat is temporary in this life, but necessary because isolation is crippling. If humans were meant to be alone in this world we would not have the ability to communicate or see one another. Tell your friends that you see them, and I mean you really see them. Write them notes, buy them coffee, do whatever you need to do to tell them you love them. Family is more often than not made up of who you choose to be a part of, and thus, cherish that feeling of warmth you get on a night out when you’re laughing so hard at something your friends have said that everything in the moment feels indubitably meant for you.

Remember that bitterness is a taste better left to people who prefer complications, so learn how to forgive. If tomorrow you awoke to news that an ex-best friend passed in her sleep, I can assure you that absolutely nothing will make you feel the same ever again. You may get up and scream— either in horror that someone you once loved is gone or in joy because you’re an awful person. In either case, keep check of how accessible empathy is in your reactions and mind.

I am not insinuating that you should forget the wrongdoings that someone has inflicted on you and to go back to how things once were with them. Rather, I ask you to consider this; who are you to not forgive? What sort of divine power do you hold within yourself to definitively come to the conclusion that someone is simply how you view them— isn’t that rather one-dimensional? People are multi-faceted and nuanced, what you perceive to be somebody is not necessarily who they really are, regardless of whether you think they are ‘good’ or ‘bad’. They may be the villain in your story, but who are you in theirs? You simply do not have a say in that.

If you feel alone and maybe even friendless enough to be sheepishly admitting it, you just haven’t found yourself yet, as cliche as that sounds. If friends make up who we are as people, then it’s likely that we’re just unsure of what we think we stand for, and what we believe in. You will find your Sangat if you are aware of what you want out of it, and for yourself. Sometimes, it’s the people who are the most unlike you in every way that become, well, you.